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  WILL The neighbors? Why are we—

  MARGERY We’ll go over to the Gowers’. They have seventeen children, Will.

  WILL They do have a—

  MARGERY They have a lot of kids. And we’ll share all the pork and turnips with them. They haven’t eaten either, Will. I mean, we’re starving, but they’ve got to watch all those kids starve. That’s got to be worse for them, right? So we’ll take them food, and the kids will eat. And when Christ comes—if we’re cooking and killing the pig and cutting up turnips for the Gowers’ kids and sharing dung for the fire and we’re not sitting on this hill and He says, what are you doing? Why aren’t you waiting for Me out on the hill? We can say, we were taking care of these kids while you took care of ours.

  [WILL is silent.]

  He seems like the fair sort. Don’t you think, Will?

  WILL Father Geoffrey would say—

  MARGERY We’ll invite him. He likes pork. I’ve seen him tuck into a pig. He likes pork.

  WILL But how would that—

  MARGERY If we’re feeding a priest when Christ comes—I mean—that reflects well on us, doesn’t it? Can’t hurt.

  [Pause.]

  We should start going towards the village. If we’re going to buy that pig. And get back here.

  WILL Everyone is asleep in the village.

  MARGERY We’ll throw gold at the door and see if that wakes them up. C’mon.

  WILL But as soon as we get back—

  MARGERY As soon as we get back—

  WILL After we buy the pig and kill it and feed the kids and feed the priest—

  MARGERY We’ll have a little warm by the fire too.

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY And we need to eat.

  WILL We’ll have something too.

  MARGERY Yes—

  WILL Then we’re coming back.

  MARGERY We’re coming back.

  WILL We’ll be here. Waiting for Him.

  MARGERY We’re not leaving.

  WILL Not till He gets here.

  MARGERY Right.

  WILL And you’ll be with me.

  MARGERY Till He gets here. Or I die. I’m here with you.

  [They hurry off to buy a pig as the lights come down.]

  • • •

  Six Dead Bodies Duct-Taped to a Merry-Go-Round

  Lindsay Marianna Walker and Dawson Moore

  Six Dead Bodies Duct-Taped to a Merry-Go-Round by Lindsay Marianna Walker and Dawson Moore. Copyright © 2012 by Lindsay Marianna Walker and Dawson Moore. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the authors.

  CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of Six Dead Bodies Duct-Taped to a Merry-Go-Round is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.

  Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Dawson Moore, P.O. Box 3505, Valdez, AK 99686, [email protected].

  Dawson Moore

  Dawson Moore’s plays have been produced across the United States and in Italy. He has won national awards for his short comedies Bile in the Afterlife, In a Red Sea, The Bus, Burning, The Fears of Harold Shivvers, and Domestic Companion. He is a member of the Dramatists Guild of America and New York City’s Circle East. Along with Aoise Stratford, he is the founding co-artistic director of San Francisco’s Three Wise Monkeys Theatre Company. He lives in Valdez, Alaska, where he coordinates the Last Frontier Theatre Conference (www.theatreconference.org) and runs an AFA program in playwriting. He is online at www.dawsonmoore.com.

  Lindsay Marianna Walker earned a PhD in creative writing from the University of Southern Mississippi and currently teaches English at Auburn University. She has published widely in multiple genres. Her poetry manuscript, The Josephine Letters, was a finalist for the 2009 Walt Whitman Award; she has a short story forthcoming from the University of Texas’s literary journal, Bat City Review; and her ten-minute play, Boy Marries Hill, is anthologized in Gary Garrison’s guide to playwriting, A More Perfect Ten.

  • • • Production History • • •

  Six Dead Bodies Duct-Taped to a Merry-Go-Round had its premier professional performance in Anchorage, Alaska, in October 2010 under the direction of Schatzie Schaefers for Three Wise Moose Theatre Company. The cast included Kevin Bennet as Winston and Eric Holzschuh as Toby. Also, in October 2011 it had a four-week run with Full Circle Theatre, New York; in June 2011 it was performed at the Last Frontier Theatre Conference by Three Wise Moose; in April 2011 it had a one-week run with Reader’s Theatre Repertory, Portland, Oregon; in October 2010 it had four-week run at Anchorage Community Theatre; in August 2010 it had a one-week run with Salt Lake Artists League as a part of Weekend of New Works. In March 2010 it had a developmental reading with Circle East, New York.

  Characters

  WINSTON, 50s. Grizzled truck driver.

  TOBY, mid-20s. A soldier.

  Setting

  The play begins in a Reno truck stop parking lot, then primarily takes place in the cab of WINSTON’s semi-trailer truck.

  Costumes

  WINSTON wears a greasy, faded mechanic’s jumpsuit. TOBY wears camouflage fatigues and carries a large duffel bag.

  Time

  Fall 2009.

  • • •

  [Lights rise on WINSTON, leaning out the open door of his truck’s cab. He is eavesdropping on TOBY, who paces anxiously, talking into a cell phone, and doesn’t notice WINSTON watching him.]

  TOBY Come on, pick up. Pick up, Kelsey...no, I don’t want to leave another message...uh, hey. It’s Toby. Message number three. I’m still in Reno...uh, I guess I’ll just try to find another way home, and see you when I get there. Give me a call when you get this.

  [Pause.]

  This really sucks, Kels. Call me.

  [He puts the phone in his pocket, chewing the side of his thumbnail.]

  WINSTON You need a ride, soldier?

  TOBY Yeah...I guess I do.

  WINSTON You’re not a cop, are you?

  TOBY Sorry?

  WINSTON Where you heading?

  TOBY California. San Jose.

  WINSTON Well, it’s a little out of the way...I’m going to Los Angeles...

  TOBY Yeah. Don’t worry about it.

  WINSTON No, no. I can get you there. I’m just thinking out loud about what route to take.

  TOBY If you could even get me close...

  WINSTON Hop in.

  [TOBY crosses around the front of the truck and gets in.]

  TOBY Thanks.

  WINSTON Name’s Winston.

  [Pause.]

  You’re not carrying any guns, are you? I don’t mean to pry, but I’ve got some materials in back that, uh...let’s say they don’t mix well with firearms. Company policy.

  TOBY Don’t worry about me.

  WINSTON So. You like music, officer?

  TOBY Yeah, I guess.

  WINSTON Yeah to the music, or yeah to the officer?

  TOBY What are you getting at?

  WINSTON Nothing. I thought you said you were a cop.

  TOBY I’m not a cop. I’m an army corporal.

  WINSTON What about before the service?

  TOBY
Construction, I guess.

  WINSTON Good. That’s good honest work, right there.

  TOBY I guess. I’m ready to get back to it, ready to get back anyway.

  WINSTON Coming home from Iraq?

  TOBY Afghanistan.

  WINSTON How was it?

  TOBY Awesome. It was great. Really fun.

  WINSTON Wow...really?

  TOBY No.

  [Pause.]

  Cold. It was really cold. I didn’t expect that. People were burning so much garbage in Jalalabad to keep warm, the air turned black. Couldn’t hardly breathe.

  WINSTON Jesus.

  [WINSTON pulls the truck out onto the highway.]

  TOBY Coughed so hard, I gave myself a hernia. But I’m home for good. I don’t have to go back. I haven’t seen my wife in fourteen months, so, you know...that should be fun...she was supposed to be here.

  WINSTON Hope she’s all right. Or, you know, mostly all right.

  TOBY What?

  WINSTON You don’t want her to be hurt or anything, but something needs to have gone wrong, or you’ll be pissed that she didn’t pick you up.

  TOBY Look—

  WINSTON It’s only human.

  TOBY Can we not talk about this? I’m sure there’s a good reason she wasn’t there.

  WINSTON Consider it dropped.

  [Pause.]

  Listen, you seem like a trustworthy guy, and you’re not a cop, so I’m happy to drive you...but there’s something I need for you to do for me.

  TOBY Whoa. Easy, dude. I’m not going to polish your knob or whatever. I don’t need a ride that bad.

  WINSTON Aw, hell, that ain’t what I meant....Why would you think that? I look like some sorta sexual deviant to you?

  TOBY Oh, I just...you know, you hear stories...about truckers...

  WINSTON Happily taken for the last nine years, thank you.

  TOBY I’m sorry.

  WINSTON Jeez, like I’m some kind of weirdo.

  TOBY I said I’m sorry. Just a misunderstanding.

  WINSTON Okay. Forget it.

  [Pause.]

  Glad we got beyond that.

  [Pause.]

  Know what I’m hauling in the back of this rig?

  TOBY No.

  WINSTON It’s a “body bus.” I’m taking a load of cadavers to UCLA. Dead bodies. For research.

  TOBY That doesn’t scare me.

  WINSTON Does me. I ain’t never hauled so many bodies.

  [Pause.]

  Actually, I’ve never pulled this gig before. Not bodies, never. I used to haul gas for BP. Bigger truck, less money. Go figure. The point is...I’ve never had an opportunity like this before.

  TOBY Opportunity to what?

  WINSTON I’ve got this idea. We’ll stop in Sacramento on the way to your place. There’s a park on the west side, just off the railroad tracks...Sam Combs Park. We’ll just stop there, get the bodies out of the back—

  TOBY Pull over. Pull over. I’m not fooling around with any dead bodies, no way!

  WINSTON But I’ve got this idea....Listen.

  TOBY Are you kidding me?

  WINSTON What are you talking about?

  TOBY Necrophilia! I’m not doing it.

  WINSTON Sex with dead bodies? That’s where your mind goes first, son? Is this what posttraumatic stress is like? The first thing you think of when corpses come up is having sex with them?

  TOBY Then what are you talking about?

  WINSTON We’re gonna duct-tape ’em to the merry-go-round.

  TOBY Um...what?

  WINSTON I got this new digital video camera. My lady and me...we needed money. We figured we’d be able to do something with the camera...you know...home videos.

  TOBY Oh.

  WINSTON Yeah, so that’s not panning out.

  TOBY If she’s not a hell of a lot better-looking than you—

  WINSTON We’ve been keeping our eyes open for opportunities. That’s what this is, man. That’s exactly what this is. We’ll film it and put it on the Internet and charge people to watch it...five bucks a pop, maybe ten. You get a couple thousand people...that’s millions of dollars. That’s a lot of dough.

  TOBY You planning on sharing the proceeds?

  WINSTON You need a ride. I need a hand. Two hands. I’m on the up and up.

  TOBY No way, man. Sorry.

  WINSTON Someone’s gonna help me. If that someone isn’t you...I gotta let you off.

  [Pause]

  Your wife call you back yet?

  TOBY No.

  WINSTON Don’t suppose she’s schtupping the mailman, do you? What do you military boys call that...when a guy moves in on your girl while you’re out killing the bad guys...

  TOBY A Jody.

  WINSTON Yeah, a Jody, that’s right. I mean, for all you know, she could be banging someone—

  TOBY Shut up!

  WINSTON Just trying to make conversation.

  TOBY [Pause.] You ever try to actually move a body before?

  WINSTON Nope.

  TOBY They’re heavy. Like bags-of-concrete heavy.

  WINSTON A stiff’s a stiff. You look strong...hernia still bothering you?

  TOBY No, surgery was over a month ago. Look, what if...what happens if we get caught?

  WINSTON Listen, if you see blue lights, just run. Run, and don’t look back.

  TOBY I’m not saying I’ll...Jesus. Who are these people anyway? And how would you like it if someone roped your dead body to a seesaw?

  WINSTON Merry-go-round. Seesaw wouldn’t work...we’re making a movie. We need some action.

  TOBY That makes sense. There wouldn’t be any up and down with two stiffs on a teeter-totter.

  WINSTON [Laughs.] We don’t have much of a special-effects budget.

  TOBY Winston, I can’t go do this. I...I see what you’re saying, and I can picture it, and I can even see a bunch of idiots paying to watch it...God help us...but it’s just so, so lame...I mean... disrespectful.

  WINSTON What, to them? They don’t give two shits at this point. They donated their bodies to science. Science. There’s nothing we’re going to do that’s worse than what those doctors down at UCLA got in store. It’s a chop shop down there. We’re just gonna drag ’em, strap ’em, spin ’em, film ’em, and toss ’em back in the truck. Good as new.

  TOBY You should keep their faces covered, though...don’t you think?

  WINSTON Maybe.

  TOBY I mean, if a family member sees it...they’ve got detectives for that sort of thing.

  WINSTON Oh yeah...hadn’t thought...but will people pay to watch it if they can’t see the dead faces?

  TOBY That’s a risk we’re going to have to take.

  WINSTON “We” are?

  [Pause.]

  I can live with that...hell, that’s good...anonymity. Yeah. Like “we’re all faceless in death...all the same.” Puts a good spin on it.

  TOBY Speaking of spin...how are you planning to get the thing started?

  WINSTON I got a rope in back. I figure I’ll wrap it around the base and then tie the end to the bumper. When I say action, you hit the gas and let ’em fly.

  TOBY This is insane. This is a really, really stupid idea.

  WINSTON Oh, come on...it’ll take an hour, two max. You’ll be home before the sun’s up.

  [TOBY looks out the window, then pulls out his cell phone. He stares at it.]

  TOBY Why do you need the money?

  WINSTON This trucking thing may look glamorous, but it barely covers rent. Mona is...well, Mona can’t work any more.

  TOBY Your wife?

  WINSTON Not actually married, but for all intents, yeah, she’s my life.

  TOBY What’s wrong with her?

  WINSTON She swerved to miss a kid with her car. Hit a tree instead. She can’t walk anymore. Her spine snapped.

  TOBY I thought you said you guys made, uh, videos...

  WINSTON Well, yeah. We still “do it,” if that’s what you’re asking.

  TOBY How i
s it?

  WINSTON None of your goddamn business.

  TOBY Sorry.

  WINSTON Even though my old lady’s a cripple, we’re doing great. How’s your marriage, huh? What’s shaking with Miss San Jose? Been having troubles? Not picking you up is pretty cold.

  TOBY We got married a couple of months before I left.

  WINSTON Pregnant?

  TOBY No, no, I loved her.

  WINSTON You can have both of those.

  TOBY That’s not what I’m saying...I just mean, I love her, like crazy...she sent me this care package for my birthday. It wasn’t anything special, you know, of value. But there was this...coffee mug, and it looked just like this other one she’d given me when we were dating. Nothing big, but it was my favorite, until one day, she was drinking coffee, standing in the kitchen, and the mug slipped out of her hands, and smash! We both looked up at each other and yelled mazel tov!

  [Pause.]

  That was it. I knew. I mean, I’d known before, but that was the...the whatever-moment.

  WINSTON I know what you mean.

  TOBY So she sends me another mug, just like it, only she’d painted “Mazel Tov, Toby” on the side in gold glitter pen.

  WINSTON I get it.

  TOBY I don’t know where she is. I talked to her a week ago and everything seemed fine.

  WINSTON I was just kidding before, you know.

  TOBY About the dead bodies and the merry-go-round?

  WINSTON No, that’s on. All that Jody stuff. I didn’t mean to say... lighten up, brother. She’ll call. Girl like that? She’ll call.

  [Pause.]

  It’s not always all yellow ribbons when you get home, you know.

  [Pause.]

  I’m gonna stop at this exit up here.

  TOBY I can’t.

  WINSTON Can’t stop?

  TOBY The merry-go-round. I can’t do it. I’m sorry. You can just let me off when we stop.

  WINSTON It’s all right...I’ll still take you home. It was a stupid idea anyway...you were right.

  TOBY Funny, though.

  WINSTON Yeah.

  TOBY Maybe we should just pretend that you were joking. Trying to trick me into going along with you.

  WINSTON [Pulling over.] Yeah, I can’t believe you bought that.

  TOBY You sure got me!

  WINSTON Like I’d do that. You’re crazy. I’m going to use the head.