The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011 Read online

  Characters

  WILL

  MARGERY

  The POPE

  • • •

  [Night. A man and a woman. WILL and MARGERY. Any age, any ethnicity. They are clothed in rags, seated on a mound of earth. It is very cold. WILL looks up into the stars and the sky above him.]

  WILL This is it. The end of the world. It’s the last day of earth. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is coming. He will smite His foes. He will gather His children up to Him. He will wipe away all their tears and He will carry them to Heaven. He will begin his reign of a thousand years, and defeat the forces of darkness and the earth will be a memory and His kingdom will have no end.

  MARGERY I can see my breath.

  WILL It’s the last day of the world. The last day of mankind.

  MARGERY It’s cold.

  WILL December 31, in the year of Our Lord, nine hundred and ninety-nine.

  [MARGERY pulls her rags tighter around her body. She shivers.]

  MARGERY Wish we had a fire.

  WILL The year nine hundred and ninety-nine. The world will end before the year one thousand. Christ is coming soon.

  MARGERY Will it be warmer then?

  WILL Shh. Quiet, my wife. My own Margery. We will wait.

  [He pulls her closer to him and continues to stare off into the night sky.]

  MARGERY I wish we had a turnip.

  WILL It’s all right, my wife. When Christ comes, there will be milk and honey.

  MARGERY I’d be happy with a turnip.

  WILL We’re out of turnips.

  MARGERY I miss turnips.

  WILL We ran out of those weeks ago.

  MARGERY I don’t think I could take milk and honey right now. There’s nothing in my stomach. Milk and honey is too rich.

  WILL I’m sure there’s other food—

  MARGERY Maybe something lighter to start—

  WILL Other food He’s bringing—

  MARGERY Some kind of grain. I don’t mean to sound disrespectful.

  WILL There will be something you can eat. Christ will bring—

  MARGERY Milk and honey is fine.

  WILL Something you can eat.

  MARGERY I’ll just—go slow. With the milk.

  WILL We shouldn’t talk about these things. It sounds frivolous. The priest would say—

  MARGERY The priest.

  WILL Would say we’re being frivolous.

  MARGERY The priest would say I shouldn’t think about food—

  WILL Put it out of your—

  MARGERY At a time like this. With big things. About to happen.

  WILL He will wipe away every tear. We’ll be with our loved ones in glory.

  MARGERY That’ll be nice. Will?

  WILL Yes?

  MARGERY Do we know what time He’s coming?

  [WILL thinks for a moment.]

  WILL Before daybreak.

  MARGERY Is He coming at midnight?

  WILL I—I don’t know, Margery.

  MARGERY Because if He’s coming at midnight, that’s—

  WILL I don’t know if it’s right at midnight, Margery.

  MARGERY That would be great. But if He’s coming at dawn—

  WILL We don’t know the exact time. Scripture says—

  MARGERY It’ll get very cold if we’re here till daybreak.

  WILL It doesn’t say anything about the specific time.

  MARGERY We could freeze.

  WILL Christ won’t let us freeze. We’re poor.

  MARGERY We are poor.

  WILL He loves the poor.

  MARGERY I know we’re poor and He loves us, but—

  WILL What is it?

  MARGERY The cottage is right down the hill.

  WILL I know.

  MARGERY The cottage is right there.

  WILL Yes, Margery.

  MARGERY And we can see Christ coming from the cottage—we can stand at the window and—

  WILL We need to be here. We need to be awake—I want to be awake for my Lord—

  MARGERY It’s right down the hill, Will. We can be awake in the cottage.

  WILL I want to be high up! I want to be high up so we can meet—

  MARGERY And it’s warm. We have dung. We can burn dung.

  WILL I don’t want to use up all the dung.

  MARGERY There’s bits of frost in my hair.

  WILL I want to be up on a hill so we can—

  MARGERY This earth is damp. It’s dry in the cottage, Will.

  WILL If we’re on a hill, we can see him from a ways off—with the hordes of Satan—as He’s smiting—

  MARGERY We’re out of turnips and we’re starving, but we don’t have to—

  WILL Now is not the time to think about our bodies!

  MARGERY Will, I’m in my body, I can’t help that.

  WILL We must be as the lilies of the field.

  MARGERY Lilies need sunshine.

  WILL Here.

  [He takes off a few of his rags and wraps them around her shoulders.]

  MARGERY I don’t want your rags.

  WILL Take them.

  MARGERY You’ll get cold.

  WILL Take my rags, Margery.

  MARGERY You’ll freeze.

  WILL I won’t freeze. I have you.

  [MARGERY accepts his few rags, wraps them tightly around her. WILL nestles closer to her, and shivers a bit. They stare up into the sky.]

  MARGERY Will?

  WILL Yes, my wife?

  MARGERY Are we sure it’s December 31?

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY We’re sure?

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY How are we sure?

  WILL Because—because—the priest said—

  MARGERY The priest.

  WILL Father Geoffrey said that on the 31st of December—

  MARGERY Do we know it’s the 31st?

  WILL It is the 31st.

  MARGERY Because if it’s not till Wednesday—

  WILL I’m sure Father Geoffrey—

  MARGERY We can’t sit out here till Wednesday, Will. We will freeze. Christ will find us frozen.

  WILL Please don’t blaspheme, Margery.

  MARGERY How is that—?

  WILL Please.

  [She crosses herself.]

  MARGERY But we know it’s tonight?

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY We know.

  WILL I’m your husband, Margery. I will tell you the correct date.

  [He leans into her. It’s clear from his face he’s no longer sure if the date is correct.]

  MARGERY Will?

  WILL Yes, my wife?

  MARGERY You know I’m slow about things.

  WILL That’s not true. You’re a shrewd woman.

  MARGERY So I have to have things explained to me.

  WILL A shrewd prudent helpmate blessed in husbandry and domestic crafts.

  MARGERY You’re sweet. But help me with something.

  WILL All right.

  MARGERY So Christ is coming.

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY Because it’s the end of a thousand years.

  WILL Yes. His reign will last—

  MARGERY Will last a thousand years.

  WILL Yes. He is coming back in glory—

  MARGERY Because Scripture says—

  WILL Scripture says he will come again in glory after the millennia.

  MARGERY Which is a thousand years.

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY So a thousand years since He left us.

  WILL A thousand years since He was crucified.

  MARGERY So—on the day He was crucified—

  WILL Yes—

  MARGERY On the day He was crucified. Not on the day He was resurrected?

  [Pause.]

  A thousand years from the day He was crucified. So—on Good Friday—right after He was crucified—that day—it automatically became January 1?

  [Pause.]

  And we’re going from that day—not the day He was resurrected—three day
s later. That’s not January 1. And we’re not going from the time—after He was resurrected—and He said oh I’m here—and He talked to everyone—met with them—and then went back. In glory. That’s not where we’re starting from. We’re going from the crucifixion. That’s January the first. Not next week, when He was resurrected. Or whenever He went back. In glory.

  [Pause.]

  WILL Why are you asking so many questions?

  MARGERY I’m curious.

  WILL God is upset by curious women!

  MARGERY I just want to know where we’re—

  WILL We’re waiting for Christ! We’re sitting here—waiting—for Him to take us back in glory!

  MARGERY I don’t mean to upset you—

  WILL We’re waiting for Christ to come and take us to Heaven and then the world will end! Why are you making it weird?

  MARGERY I want to know we’re here on the right day, Will! So it’s not next Wednesday—or next Saturday—

  WILL I don’t know why you can’t believe!

  MARGERY So I’m not sitting at home next Saturday scraping my feet when all of a sudden—

  WILL I don’t know why you can’t have faith!

  MARGERY I do have faith, Will!

  WILL Why you—

  MARGERY That is not true! I have a faithful heart!

  WILL Then why are you—

  MARGERY I have faith in you, Will. I have faith in you.

  WILL Please don’t blaspheme, Margery.

  MARGERY It’s not blasphemy! You’re my beloved husband, and when Christ comes, He’ll find me sitting next to you. Sitting next to the husband I love. Who’s a good man. Who never hits me and works hard and rubs my feet when they hurt. Christ will find me with you. Here on this cold hill.

  WILL It’s blasphemy, Margery, if you doubt that—

  MARGERY I don’t doubt He’s coming! I just don’t want to freeze to death because the priest got the date wrong!

  WILL I have to stay, Margery. I have to. Even if it’s next Wednesday. Even if it’s next Saturday. I have to stay. What if I missed it?

  MARGERY Will—

  WILL I have to believe, Margery. I have to have faith. I have to believe that faith will be rewarded. We must have faith.

  [There is a loud blast of trumpets from offstage, as though proclaiming a heavenly glory. The POPE enters in a hurry, in full papal regalia.]

  POPE [Yelling offstage.] STOP IT!

  [The trumpets cease. The POPE sees WILL and MARGERY.]

  Hello there.

  WILL Hello.

  POPE How are you?

  MARGERY Good.

  POPE Wonderful.

  WILL Can we help you?

  POPE I’m—a wandering merchant.

  WILL Okay.

  MARGERY [Seeing something offstage.] Who are all those guys?

  WILL Who?

  MARGERY The ones down the hill? The ones with all the casks and—

  WILL Horses and banners—and trumpets and chests—

  MARGERY Is that a lion?

  WILL Stretching on into—there are hundreds of them—

  MARGERY Is it the French?

  WILL Are we French again?

  POPE We’re not French. We’re merchants. All of us. Hundreds of us—wandering merchants. We have spices.

  WILL Oh. Spices.

  MARGERY We can’t afford spices.

  POPE I have a question for you, humble vassal.

  WILL We hope to be of service to you, wandering merchant.

  POPE I’m looking for the poorest of the poor.

  MARGERY We’re poor.

  WILL I don’t think we’re the poorest.

  MARGERY There’s the Gowers.

  WILL Our neighbors, the Gowers. They are definitely—

  POPE I was told that the poorest of the poor in this district was a pious couple, full of—you know—fear of the Lord. Their names are Will and Margery.

  MARGERY That’s our name.

  WILL We’re not the poorest of the—

  MARGERY Poor—

  WILL No—the Gowers are much—

  POPE [Agitated.] I have it on good authority that the poorest of the poor—therefore the most deserving—before Christ comes tonight and kills those who are rich and have stored up treasure on earth etcetera—is a couple named Will and Margery. Are you Will and Margery?

  MARGERY That’s our name.

  POPE You’re the poorest of the poor?

  WILL I don’t think we’re that poor.

  MARGERY Will.

  WILL And besides, if you’re a wandering merchant, why do you want us? We don’t use spices.

  MARGERY Will. Let the well-dressed stranger to our province speak.

  POPE Your names are Will and Margery?

  WILL Yes.

  POPE And you’re poor?

  WILL Poor we may be in worldly goods, but in our hearts, we—

  POPE Great. But can I see some proof?

  WILL Proof of what?

  POPE Proof that you’re poor?

  WILL We’re not that poor. We have a house right there.

  POPE Where?

  WILL [Pointing offstage to their cottage.] Over there. See? We have a cottage. I built it with my own hands. The sweat of my brow.

  [The POPE looks off in the distance, in the direction where WILL is pointing.]

  POPE That’s a house?

  WILL Where are you looking?

  POPE Right there.

  WILL Yes. That’s our—

  POPE You live in that? That’s a house?

  WILL Well, yes , we—

  POPE I thought it was just—something—someone left.

  WILL I’ve been doing some work on the—

  POPE I didn’t think people lived in it. What’s that thing that’s leaning against the—

  WILL That’s the door. The front door.

  POPE That’s a door?

  WILL You’re not getting the whole effect. When it’s done, it’ll—

  POPE Jesus wept. You’ll do.

  [The POPE exits. A trumpet blast. He hurries back on with a cask.]

  WILL The other merchants seem to treat you with a great deal of respect.

  [The POPE glares. He opens the cask. It is filled with gold. He sets it down hurriedly next to them on the ground.]

  POPE Take this. You poor people. I give it to you freely. Out of the abundance of my—uh—charity. And grace. Which comes out of love of Our Father Almighty God. So—when Christ comes—and He says to me—hey, you—you with the hat—you’re rich. I’m gonna kill you. I’ll say—no. I’m not rich. I’m poor. Me. I’m poor. They’ve got the money. Those two. Will and Margery. The filthy ones over there on the hill. All right?

  WILL I don’t think we can—

  MARGERY Deal.

  POPE Deal?

  MARGERY Deal.

  WILL Are you the Pope?

  [There is a blast of trumpets, which startles the POPE. ]

  POPE Yeah.

  [WILL and MARGERY fall on their faces in front of the POPE.]

  WILL Oh, Prince of the Church on earth—

  POPE But you better be the poorest of the poor.

  MARGERY Not a problem.

  POPE If I find out you own stuff, you’re in big trouble.

  WILL We cannot accept your gift.

  POPE You’ll accept it if you know what’s good for you!

  MARGERY Will, you can’t argue with the Pope! Take the money!

  WILL We’re not worthy of your—

  POPE You better not be worthy! That’s why I’m giving you the gold, you idiot! If you’re worthy, I’m taking it back! And having you killed!

  MARGERY Oh, we’re very poor and not worthy, Oh, Pope—

  POPE That’s more like it.

  WILL Great Pope, we—

  MARGERY Why are you in England?

  POPE Mind your own fucking business!

  [The POPE exits in a hurry. MARGERY and WILL slowly get up and look at the gold.]

  MARGERY Wow.

 
WILL Look at this.

  MARGERY Wow. Look at this gold. Wow.

  WILL This is a lot of gold.

  MARGERY We’re rich.

  WILL Yes.

  MARGERY We’re really rich.

  WILL Yes

  MARGERY We’re rich like Jews.

  WILL We’ve got to get rid of it.

  MARGERY Wait a minute, Will.

  WILL We’ve got to give this to the poor.

  MARGERY We’re poor! If you take away our gold, we’re poor!

  WILL We have to get rid of the gold before Christ comes!

  MARGERY He might not get here for a few days! We could be wrong about the date!

  WILL Treasures of this world are worthless before God! They are as dross!

  MARGERY But—but—if He doesn’t come till Wednesday, we can get something to eat and then unload it right before He gets here!

  WILL We have to get rid of this!

  MARGERY We can buy turnips! We can buy dung!

  WILL But He loves the poor!

  MARGERY Will. Think. Please, my husband. Think. If we have something to eatand we have a nice fire—and we spend a night sleeping somewhere dry—why would that upset Him?

  [WILL thinks for a moment.]

  It’s not like He’s going to look at us and say, you’ve eaten in the last week, so you don’t qualify! You have a turnip! You’re not half frozen and covered with scabs, so you don’t count!

  WILL Margery—

  MARGERY Wouldn’t He still love us?

  [WILL is tormented.]

  We’ll buy some food in the village—we’ll share it with everybody, He likes that!—and then we’ll all be together and we’ll wait for Him! That doesn’t make us rich, Will! Not if it just happened the hour before He got here!

  WILL I’m so afraid, Margery.

  MARGERY Will—

  WILL I’m so afraid.

  MARGERY What are you afraid of? There’s nothing to be—

  WILL That He won’t take us with Him. And we’ll never get to see our boy again.

  [Pause.]

  If He doesn’t take us with Him, we’ll never get to see our boy again. I can’t let that happen.

  [Pause.]

  MARGERY Will. Listen. We can go into the village. We’ll buy a pig. We can buy a pig with this—

  WILL Margery—

  MARGERY A nice fat pig. Turnips. Too much for the two of us to eat. We can buy too much with this gold. Lots of turnips. Then—

  WILL I don’t like this!

  MARGERY Then, Will—we’ll go over to the Gowers’.