The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011 Page 6

DOT One hundred fifty-four.

  [She stops counting.]

  I can’t hold it and count at the same time.

  FERGUS Didn’t you have to hold a gun when you shot all those pigeons?

  DOT I didn’t shoot the pigeons; I just counted them, Fergus Fergus.

  FERGUS No, madame. Just one. Just one Fergus. My last name is not the same as my first.

  DOT Oh, sorry.

  FERGUS Quite all right.

  DOT I’m no murderer of pigeons. I just have good eyes.

  FERGUS That, my dear lady, is a flat fact.

  [They find themselves quite close.]

  DOT Why, thank you, Fergus. That’s very kind of you.

  FERGUS [He hands the flashlight back to her.] Madame, let’s just lay all this out on the bed...I mean, table. I understand we’ve done a bit of bonding here this evening, but the store is now closed....

  DOT [Returning to her counting.] One hundred fifty-five, one hundred fifty-six, one hundred fifty-seven...

  FERGUS [Continuing.] If I didn’t have a spare set of closeout keys, we wouldn’t...

  DOT Closeout keys?

  FERGUS [Continuing.] ...even be able to continue this very odd counting extravaganza of yours.

  DOT One hundred sixty-nine. One hundred sixty-nine. One hundred sixty-nine.

  [She stops counting.]

  FERGUS So let me suggest that you set this work aside for the night, go back to your lovely hotel, and return, showered and shaved...I mean, freshly dressed and adorned at ten a.m., and I would be happy to oblige you in this adventure once again.

  DOT You’re not from here, are you?

  [The next seven lines come quickly.]

  FERGUS New York?

  DOT No, here here.

  FERGUS The United States?

  DOT Yes.

  FERGUS No.

  DOT No?

  FERGUS Yes.

  [Beat.]

  Quite right.

  DOT I didn’t think so. I’ve been trying to place your accent for some time now. Australia?

  FERGUS [He is pained but remains accommodating.] No. No, madame.

  DOT Scotland?

  FERGUS [Again pained but remains accommodating.] Well, close. You’re very close—England.

  DOT Oh sure, England!

  [Beat.]

  I almost went there once with the high school chorus. Oh jeez, that was quite a while back now.

  FERGUS Why almost?

  DOT We couldn’t get a hold of the money, so they cancelled the trip.

  FERGUS That’s disappointing. I myself have the heart of a singer, just not the vocal cords to go along with it.

  DOT That’s a bunch of hogwash. Everyone can sing.

  FERGUS I do rather well in the shower, but in the presence of another person...my throat just seems to...compress.

  DOT [Innocently trying to solve his problem.] Have you ever tried singing in the shower to another person?

  FERGUS No. No, I haven’t. I, uh...I tend to do the shower business alone.

  DOT I see.

  FERGUS [Vulnerably.] But regardless, it takes a certain amount of courage to sing in front of someone in any situation, don’t you think? A sort of courage I admire but have myself never possessed.

  DOT Well, I think something like that depends on the certain someone you’re with. You know? Not so much a change in you, but a change in your company.

  [Suddenly aware that she’s lost count.]

  Oh, fiddlesticks! I forgot all about my counting.

  FERGUS You couldn’t have made much progress. Let me recommend that you start over tomorrow.

  [He attempts to move her along.]

  DOT [She sits up on her knees.] What do you mean “made much progress”? I was up to one hundred and sixty-nine.

  FERGUS One hundred and sixty-nine?!

  DOT I told you—it’s my gift. Everyone has a gift...

  FERGUS Maybe not everyone.

  DOT ...and mine’s good eyes.

  FERGUS Well, that is obvious. Quite obvious...madame.

  DOT Dot. You can call me Dot.

  FERGUS Dot. What a lovely...easy name to spell.

  DOT How can you see my eyes? Everything’s so dark in here.

  FERGUS [Growing poetic.] It is not so dark that I cannot see your eyes.

  DOT Really? Sure you don’t need the torch, Fergus?

  [DOT takes the flashlight and shines it down onto her face. There is a moment where FERGUS almost kisses her.]

  FERGUS Dot?

  DOT Yes?

  FERGUS Have you ever seen the view from the Empire State Building at night?

  DOT I’ve never seen the Empire State Building. Is that even in this city?

  FERGUS Is that in this city?!

  DOT Well, where’s it hiding? I’ve been looking for it all day and I’m just plain pooped out.

  FERGUS How could you, you of all people, not see the Empire State Building? It has pigeons all over it.

  DOT Yes, but even I can’t see the lumber for the trees.

  FERGUS Forest.

  DOT What?

  FERGUS Forest for the trees.

  [Beat.]

  Listen. I just came up with a fantastic idea.

  DOT What, Fergus?

  FERGUS How ’bout we, you and I...?

  [DOT yawns and tries to hide it.]

  Oh, you’re yawning.

  DOT I can stay awake. Go on.

  FERGUS I’ll finish closing out, and then I was thinking that maybe you would allow me to escort you for a spectacular view of New York City from the top of the Empire State Building. If, that is, you have no other plans for this evening?

  DOT No, no. I just have to catch that thing-a-ma-jig back to Brooklyn.

  FERGUS “Thing-a-ma-jig.” Madame...

  DOT Dot.

  FERGUS Dot, you are a delight.

  [He reaches for the flashlight on the bed, and their lips almost touch.]

  DOT [She gets nervous.] Oh. Oh. Oh.

  FERGUS [He stops.] How ’bout you wait for me right here?

  DOT Right here.

  FERGUS And I’ll finish up my work, lock up, and then escort you to a view you will never forget.

  DOT Super. I love to see things I know I won’t forget. I’ll wait right here for you, Fergus.

  FERGUS Right here?

  DOT Right here.

  FERGUS Fine.

  [He backs out of the room smiling.]

  DOT [Waving.] Hurry up now.

  FERGUS Fine. Fine.

  [He trips going backward, falls, and quickly gets up.]

  DOT Ooops.

  FERGUS I’m fine. Quite fine.

  DOT [She rises and crosses in a bit as he goes.] Fergus Falls! Did you know there’s a town just outside of Fargo called Fergus Falls? ’Course I’d rather be here than there.

  FERGUS Lovely. I’ll be right back.

  [He exits.]

  DOT [Looking after him.] Fergus Falls.

  [She feels the comforter on the bed again, and notices the price.]

  Five to six of them a day?

  [Yawning.]

  Holy crap! You have got to be kidding me!

  [She runs her hands over the comforter once more.]

  “Quality of life.”

  [Out of curiosity, she pulls back the comforter and looks beneath.]

  Sheets!

  [She touches them.]

  Oh, my word.

  [She crawls inside and pulls everything back on top of her. Silence.]

  FERGUS [Entering.] Dot? Dot, are you...here?

  [Discovering her, with compassion.]

  Oh, she’s fallen asleep, poor thing.

  [Suddenly realizing what’s happened.]

  Oh! She’s fallen asleep. Dot! Dot! Wake up!

  [He tries to wake her.]

  There’s no sleeping in the store. And...you’re on display! Oh, what a night. What a night! Wake up. Dot? Wake up!

  [He tries to wake her again, but she is sleeping soundly.]

  This i
s unacceptable. You’ve pulled the comforter right on top of you and it’s wrinkling and soiling. Wrinkling and soiling!

  [Beat.]

  Well, I’m just going to have to carry you out of here. Perhaps that won’t be as difficult as it seems. Oh, Fergus, how do you get yourself into situations like this?

  [Beat.]

  What am I talking about? I never get myself into situations like this.

  [He manages to get her up and onto his back.]

  Ugh. Oh, oh, oh. She is quite dense, actually. Quite dense for a person with such a small name.

  [He staggers back and forth, not moving much of anywhere, then notices something shiny on her left, ring finger.]

  Oh. My. God.

  DOT [DOT begins to sing.] “Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir, three beds full.”

  FERGUS Dot?

  DOT “One for the master, One for the dame...”

  FERGUS Dot? Are you awake?

  [He drops her back onto the display bed and falls on the floor at the foot of the bed.]

  DOT “And one for the little boy who lives in Greenwich Village.”

  FERGUS I thought you said you could stay awake.

  DOT [She rolls on her side, facing downstage.] I thought you said you weren’t spontaneous.

  FERGUS Oh, am I? You think?

  DOT I would say you’re very spontaneous. What was your wife’s problem anyway?

  FERGUS [Come to think of it.] Well, I’m not sure.

  DOT People don’t know what they got till they’ve lost it.

  FERGUS Dot, I know tonight was just a...No permanent plans between us, certainly...No promises made and none broken.

  DOT Cut to the chase.

  FERGUS A moment ago, while I was stumbling around with you over my shoulder, I noticed that you...

  DOT You had me over your shoulder?

  FERGUS Yes, I did.

  DOT Oh, I’m so sorry. I sleep like a rock.

  FERGUS [Innocently.] And you carry like one too.

  DOT I’m actually surprised I woke up at all.

  FERGUS Yes. Very lucky for me, I suppose.

  DOT It’s usually the roosters that open my eyes.

  FERGUS Yes, yes. Roosters? I suppose that’s true.

  [Beat.]

  I noticed that you had a ring on your left hand.

  DOT Oh, that.

  [She sits up.]

  FERGUS [Disappointed.] Yes. That.

  [Beat.]

  DOT Well, I lost my husband, Fergus. About eight years ago, and I still wear the ring.

  FERGUS Oh. I’m very sorry to hear that.

  DOT [She stands.] We were visiting my relatives in South Dakota and...

  FERGUS Before you continue, Dot, I just want to say that you are under no obligation to share this information with me. No obligation. Quite all right.

  DOT No, I’d like to. I don’t get too many chances to talk about it. After the first five or six months, nobody wanted to listen anymore.

  FERGUS [Sits on the end of the bed.] I’m all ears.

  DOT [Suddenly looking closely at the sides of his face, then innocently.] Actually, that’s not too far from the truth, Fergus. Your ears are huge.

  FERGUS I suppose you’re right. I’d like to blame it on my age, but I’m afraid they’ve always been this size.

  DOT Are you a good listener?

  FERGUS I think so. I try to be.

  DOT It’s your gift, Fergus—your ears! Your ears, my eyes!

  FERGUS My gift! I never considered that. They were always a target for the bullies on the block.

  [His concern returns to DOT.]

  Regardless, please continue. You lost your husband...

  DOT My folks took us sightseeing, shopping, to this farm and ranch auction way out in the middle of nowhere, and my mother was going on and on, questioning us about why we never had any children, and Bert, well, Bert just up and disappeared.

  FERGUS Disappeared?

  DOT Yeah. I lost him.

  FERGUS At the...auction?

  DOT Yeah. Somewhere between the bailers and the fertilizer.

  FERGUS I’m very sorry.

  DOT It was horrible—looking for him, frantically, thinking that we just separated from each other and I worried, horribly, about how he would get back to my parents. But then after a few days passed and the phone never rang and he never showed up...well, it became even more horrible because I realized that he pretty much just took off. You know? He just pretty much took off.

  [She turns away.]

  FERGUS Between the bailers and the fertilizer?

  DOT Yeah.

  FERGUS I’m so sorry.

  DOT [Painfully.] Sometimes that happens, Fergus. Sometimes people just take off.

  FERGUS [Reassuringly.] Not me. I don’t.

  DOT Well, that’s a good quality, Fergus. Don’t change. Don’t ever change that about yourself.

  FERGUS [He rises.] I don’t plan to. I’m very unchanging. I’m English.

  DOT I have an embarrassing confession to make here tonight and I’m surprised that I...Well, I’m just going to say it.

  FERGUS All right.

  DOT Men think that women are...excited by fly-by-night sort of things, you know? Running here and there, and it’s just not true. Not an ounce of it is true, Fergus.

  FERGUS I’m not sure I understand…

  DOT [She sits on the end of the bed.] Men. They try to be something exciting when really that’s not what does it for a woman.

  FERGUS [Attempting to clarify.] “Does it”? Are you insinuating an emotional sensation or a...physical one?

  DOT It’s all the same. With a woman, it’s all rolled up in the same bale of hay. Excitement like that—sightseeing, which I’ve run around trying to do all day, coming to New York, thinking this would help me finally let go of Bert.

  [She sits on the end of the bed.]

  It would have been best if the jerk had a massive coronary right there and fell over dead. It’s not knowing, that’s hard.

  [Referring to the newspaper column she had used earlier as a fan.]

  Eight years later and I’m still reading the daily obituary column, searching for some sort of an end to the nightmare.

  FERGUS Closure.

  DOT Yeah. Anyway, all of this...Well, it ain’t it, Fergus. It’s not what does it.

  FERGUS What is it then? Because you women seem to be as unique as...these quilts.

  DOT Comforters.

  FERGUS Yes, and that’s what confuses me. What is it that does it for you?

  DOT For me specifically?

  FERGUS Oh! All right.

  DOT I’m not sure, Fergus. I’ve never to my knowledge actually had an...

  [She stops.]

  FERGUS Oh, really?

  DOT Sad, I know.

  FERGUS Well, you would know it if you had.

  DOT I would?

  FERGUS Oh yes.

  DOT Then I haven’t.

  [Beat.]

  I’m forty-eight. Forty-eight, Fergus.

  [Vulnerable.]

  I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me.

  [She begins to cry.]

  FERGUS [He sits on the end of the bed.] Oh, my Dot. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. To quote someone I’m growing quite fond of, “It’s maybe not so much a change in you, but a change in your company.”

  [He stands.]

  Let me ask you this—if you were to think you might know what would finally push you over that edge of tumultuous pleasure, what might that be?

  [Standing next to the headboard.]

  DOT [Sounding rather sure of herself.] “Camp Town Ladies.”

  FERGUS Pardon?

  DOT The song—“Camp Town Ladies.” It’s my favorite. I go hog wild. Bert would never sing it for me. Never. So I would sing it for myself, in my head as things...

  FERGUS Progressed.

  DOT Yes, progressed.

  FERGUS I see.

  [He’s no
t going to sing.]

  Is there anything else?

  DOT “Camp Town Ladies” and...spending the night on this one-thousand-per-square-inch-thread-count comforter.

  [Pause.]

  FERGUS Oh. Are you insinuating that we...the two of us...? Here?

  [He begins to grow anxious.]

  I’m not sure about this, Dot. I’ve had this job for eighteen years now and I really enjoy it. Like you said, I think my gift might be listening and I get to utilize that gift at this job. I get to listen to customers...complain mostly, complain and drive me crazy mostly...but once in a great while, someone like you comes along and I would really, truly hate to lose my job because of it.

  DOT We can stay here and not lose your job.

  FERGUS How do you know? Are you certain?

  DOT Well, I guess there’s no way to be truly certain about things like this.

  FERGUS [Considering.] It’s a risk, Dot. A huge risk.

  DOT But that’s why they call it a risk and not just another walk in Central Park.

  FERGUS I thought you said this sort of thing doesn’t do it for you—dashing here and there...

  DOT Oh, we won’t be dashing....

  FERGUS Sightseeing...New York.

  DOT I’ve seen all I need to see.

  FERGUS Fly-by-night...

  DOT Well, I’m hoping it won’t be that, Fergus.

  FERGUS Tell you what. How ’bout the two of us go down to the bagel shop on the corner and share a cup of coffee? That will surely get you up and vertical.

  DOT Up and vertical?

  FERGUS Espresso. Yes! We’ll have ourselves an espresso and then we’ll be all awake and we can hit the tall building with a single bound.

  DOT What are you so scared of?

  FERGUS [Growing quite anxious and a bit angry.] See? This is always what it comes down to—me not wanting to do something that someone else wants to do. And then it comes down to the ending of things—the ending of things like my job. My livelihood. Why does it always have to come down to my livelihood? My wife used to do this to me all the time.

  DOT Ex-wife.

  FERGUS She used to make it about me when really, all along, she just couldn’t compromise. She had to have it her way. Why can’t I be listened to as much as the one who wants to do the thing that I don’t want to do?!

  [Pause.]

  DOT Yes. I see. You’re right, Fergus—I’m not listening to you. I’m totally not listening to you and what you’re wanting. I’m just making you wrong for not wanting to do the same thing I want. You’re right.

  [She gets out of bed and picks up her purse.]

  Let’s go. I’ll buy you a cup of coffee and we’ll head over to that...invisible building with the pigeons on it.