The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011 Read online

FERGUS, Jacques DuRand

  DOT, Biz Lyon

  TINY, Matt Gulley

  Characters

  DOT, a woman in her 40s/50s, from North Dakota

  FERGUS, a man in his 40s/50s, originally from London

  TINY, a super-sized maintenance man, any age, from Eastern Tennessee

  Scene

  An upscale department store in New York City.

  Time

  It is evening, following a hot summer day in August.

  Description

  What could possibly instigate a love match between a NYC luxury linen sales clerk and a practical, down-to-earth woman visiting from North Dakota? Counting threads on a display bed in Macy’s department store. Dot’s path crosses Fergus’s, weaving their lives together as tightly as the thread count on the linen he sells. When Macy’s closes with the two of them inside, they are left to ponder the possibilities laid before them—a chance encounter or a brand-new life.

  Setting

  We are in the linen section of an upscale department store in New York City. There is a display bed center stage, fully dressed with sheets, pillows, and a luxurious comforter. Also onstage are several display counters stocked high with various fine linens for purchase.

  • • •

  [It is evening, following a hot summer day in August. FERGUS, a Macy’s sales consultant, is rearranging various linens on a counter upstage of the display bed. DOT, a rural, small-town woman, enters stage left, looking heat-exhausted and fanning herself to no avail with a column of the newspaper. She searches for a cool place to rest her tired feet.]

  DOT Oh boy, do my eggs lake.

  [She sits on the end of the display bed.]

  FERGUS [Folding.] Legs ache. Not there.

  DOT What?

  FERGUS Not there. The sign clearly states, “Do not sit on the display beds.”

  DOT No, the thing you said just before you said “not there.”

  FERGUS Legs ache.

  DOT Yours too? It’s awful, this town. Too big. New York City is much too big for its britches.

  FERGUS Madame, please. The display. You’re bringing about wrinkles.

  DOT Oh, jeez.

  [Once realizing what she’s done, she quickly rises.]

  I’m sorry.

  FERGUS [He quickly removes the wrinkles in the display comforter.] Quite all right. Quite all right.

  DOT [She reads the sign.] “Display bed.” I see. It’s just that my legs...

  FERGUS One moment and I’ll be right with you.

  DOT [Somewhat to self.] They said to wear cushy shoes, but these tennis shoes just aren’t cutting it. I’m exhausted.

  [Looking for somewhere else to sit, but there is none.]

  FERGUS [Completing the task at hand, he turns to her.] All right then, how may I help you this evening?

  DOT Yes, thanks a bunch.

  [Beat.]

  I seem to have gotten myself all turned around. Could you tell me where I am?

  FERGUS [To self.] Ah, another one.

  [Beat.]

  You are in the luxury, fine linen department of Macy’s, fifth floor.

  DOT [She finds the ceiling vent that is blowing cool air and opens the top of her dress in order to properly ventilate.] Did you know this is the coolest floor in the building? And they say hot air rises, but it don’t seem to be the case in New York City.

  [To self.]

  If I ever find that Empire State Building, I’ll freeze my ass off.

  FERGUS If you’re here only to enjoy the temperature of the air, I must ask you to...skip along.

  DOT Skip along? I couldn’t crawl.

  FERGUS I have other, more pressing work to do, madame.

  DOT Oh, no, no.

  [Trying to find a legitimate reason to stay.]

  I’ve, uh...I’ve noticed that these, uh...several of these...quilts here...

  FERGUS Comforters.

  DOT Comforters, yes. They have something about thread count printed on them. Could you explain to me what that is?

  FERGUS Thread count?

  [Surprised she does not know.]

  Yes, of course. Thread count is the number of horizontal and vertical threads woven into one square inch of fabric.

  DOT One square inch?

  FERGUS That is correct.

  DOT This quilt...comforter, says two hundred. Is that possible?

  FERGUS Oh, yes.

  DOT Two hundred up-and-down threads woven into one tiny little square inch?

  FERGUS If you’re a textiles expert, one inch is quite large, actually. One can do an awful lot with one inch.

  DOT Oh, really?

  FERGUS You’d be surprised.

  DOT I’m sure you’re right.

  [A package of linen falls to the floor and they both go to pick it up together, bumping heads. Due to the confusion, they don’t hear the following announcement.]

  WOMAN [Voiceover.] Macy’s will be closing in ten minutes. Please decide on your purchases and make your way to the nearest cashier.

  DOT It feels soft.

  FERGUS Yes. Because they spin the cotton into very thin threads. Or in this case, silk—here, madame, tempt your largest organ with this one.

  DOT My largest organ?

  FERGUS Your skin, madame.

  DOT Oh, sure. Of course. My skin.

  [Feeling another of the comforters on the shelf.]

  Oh my. Oh my!

  FERGUS This is listed at four hundred.

  DOT Four hundred what?

  FERGUS Four hundred thread count.

  DOT Per square inch?

  FERGUS Yes.

  DOT That’s twice as much as this one.

  FERGUS Yes, madame. That is correct.

  DOT That’s ridiculous.

  FERGUS Well now, do not go attaching yourself to four hundred. The numbers continue on upward from there.

  DOT I’ve never heard of such a thing.

  FERGUS Can you feel the difference between the two? Though they say they can, most people cannot.

  DOT [Feeling.] Yeah, sure I can.

  FERGUS [Surprised.] Really?

  DOT This one is much softer.

  FERGUS Remarkable.

  DOT What does something like this cost?

  FERGUS It might be best that I not give you that information, madame.

  DOT “Not give me...?” What are you talking about?

  FERGUS I’m suspecting it might be too much of a shock for you.

  DOT Oh, for Pete’s sake. I’ll be fine.

  FERGUS All right, then. Let me get you a chair.

  [Starts to exit.]

  DOT [Stopping FERGUS.] There’s no sense making that big of a deal about it. I may be from Podunk, North Dakota, but it’s not like I just fell off the goat truck.

  FERGUS Turnip truck, madame.

  DOT Excuse me?

  FERGUS [Discarding the metaphor.] Quite all right.

  [Beat.]

  Ready?

  DOT Sure.

  FERGUS [Referring to the 400 thread count item.] This comforter sells for six hundred and fifty dollars.

  DOT [Her eyes widen and she becomes physically unstable.] Six hundred and...oh my. My oh my.

  [FERGUS looks around nervously for a chair, then as a last resort, lowers DOT back onto the display bed.]

  People can afford to spend that kind of cash on their sheets?

  FERGUS Linen. Yes, madame.

  DOT Something they sleep on?

  FERGUS Sleep with, not on. One never sleeps on a down comforter.

  DOT Sleep with.

  FERGUS [His refined sales pitch.] Yes, madame. They can afford it and they choose to because of the difference they feel when they do. It’s simply a better quality of life. And that’s what we sell here in the luxury linen department at Macy’s, madame—a better “quality of life.”

  DOT I see.

  FERGUS I sell approximately twelve to fifteen of these a day.

  DOT A day? No! At that rate?

  FERGUS And this
one here—this one you’re sitting on—approximately five to six.

  DOT Sitting on?

  [She stands up.]

  Oh, I’m sorry. I got a little dizzy.

  FERGUS [He quickly removes the wrinkles in the comforter.] Quite all right. Quite all right.

  DOT [Taking notice of the display bed comforter.] Well, now what’s this here?

  FERGUS Oh, madame. This is the crème de la crème.

  DOT Crème...?

  FERGUS Cream of the cream.

  DOT Okay.

  FERGUS Close your eyes and then, if you will, gently run your fingers over this precious silk.

  DOT Oh, oh, oh. Wowwwww. That is heaven on earth.

  FERGUS Heaven on earth?! You are a delight, my lady. Is this your first visit to the metropolis of New York?

  DOT Yeah.

  [Busy feeling the comforter.]

  This feels like...well, it feels...Can I open my eyes now?

  FERGUS Certainly.

  DOT [Opening her eyes, she looks at the tag.] One thousand?! One thousand?!

  [Looking to FERGUS.]

  Per square inch?!

  FERGUS Yes, madame.

  DOT What the heck!

  FERGUS It’s true.

  DOT I don’t believe it! Impossible.

  FERGUS How can I convince you, madame?

  DOT [Direct.] Get me a magnifying glass.

  FERGUS Are you quite serious?

  DOT Yes. Quite.

  FERGUS Madame, even if I had a magnifying glass...

  DOT Do you?

  FERGUS Yes.

  DOT Get it.

  FERGUS Even if I...There is no physical way anyone could count up to one thousand...

  DOT I may be from Podunk, North Dakota...

  FERGUS Podunk? Is that really the name...?

  DOT No. I’m just saying that I can count better than...

  FERGUS I wasn’t insinuating that you can’t count....It’s your eyes, madame.

  DOT My eyes?!

  FERGUS Yes, you’re eyes. They’re...

  DOT I’ll have you know, I won first prize in the mile-long “spot your pigeon contest” for Spiritwood’s Fifth Annual Bald Eagle Days Festival last summer.

  FERGUS Spiritwood?

  DOT North Dakota.

  FERGUS What happened to Podunk?

  DOT It’s just one of those...sayings.

  FERGUS Well, that’s wonderful, congratulations, but this is thread, madame—very tiny and tightly bound up against one another. So no matter how nice your eyes may look...I mean, function, they can’t possibly see such tiny, hardly-visible-to-the-naked-eye threads.

  [They have moved a bit closer to one another.]

  DOT Especially when they’re so tightly bound up against one another?

  FERGUS That is correct.

  DOT [Leaning in and serious.] Get me the magnifying glass.

  FERGUS [Running off.] You are no ordinary woman!

  DOT [To herself.] Bet your tight ass, I’m not.

  [Overwhelmed by temptation, DOT gets into the bed and feeling the luxurious linen begins to roll from left to right as though on a cloud in heaven. She begins to make sounds implying great pleasure.]

  Ohh. Myy. Ohhh. Myyyyy. Ahhhhhh.

  FERGUS [Entering with magnifying glass, he sees her enraptured and clears his throat.] Madame? Um...excuse me, madame. The sign.

  DOT Oh yeah—the sign. I’m very sorry. I got carried away.

  FERGUS And you almost carried me right with you.

  DOT There’s something very, very special about this fabric.

  FERGUS [His more refined sales pitch.] Madame, I am not attempting a forward pass with this comment, in any way, shape, or form. In fact, what I am about to say is only to help further promote the deep appreciation of this product in which I am personally quite fond of. This type of fabric...well...some say that this thread count can actually help a woman...

  DOT Help a woman...?

  FERGUS Yes. Help her...

  [Beat.]

  ...along.

  DOT I’m not sure I understand.

  FERGUS Yes, well...

  [Changing the subject, he holds up the magnifying glass.]

  I’ve located the...

  DOT Super.

  [She grabs the magnifying glass from him, gets up on all fours, focuses the glass on one small area, and begins to count.]

  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

  FERGUS Madame! Your shoes!

  DOT Thirteen. Oh. Sorry.

  [She kicks off her shoes.]

  Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen...

  FERGUS Careful with the magnifying glass. If you hold it in one place too long, you might just set the bed on fire.

  DOT ...twenty-six. That ain’t how you set a bed on fire. Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty...

  FERGUS [Picking up her shoes and neatly placing them beside the bed.] Yes, I suppose you’re right. One would have to be outside, with the sun positioned straight above, shining down heavily, making you sweat...

  [Beat.]

  Are you actually counting those?

  DOT [Counting.] Yes. Fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two...

  FERGUS You can see each individual thread?

  DOT [Counting.] Fifty-five. Yes. I have twenty/fifteen vision...

  FERGUS Twenty...

  DOT Twenty...

  FERGUS ...fifteen?

  [Crawling up on the bed with her to try to see what she is seeing.]

  Show me. Let me see.

  DOT [Counting.] Sixty. It’s my gift. Sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four...

  FERGUS I can’t see a thing....How can you possibly...?

  DOT [Counting.] Sixty-five. You’re screwing up my concentration. If you’re going to be up here with me, you’re going to have shut your trap. Sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine...

  FERGUS Oh, very sorry.

  WOMAN [Voiceover.] Macy’s is now closed.

  FERGUS [Panicking.] Oh no.

  WOMAN [Voiceover.] Please make your way to the nearest cashier to arrange for your final purchases.

  FERGUS [He gets out of bed.] No!

  WOMAN [Voiceover.] Macy’s will reopen tomorrow morning at ten a.m.

  FERGUS I’ve yet to finish my closeout. Oh my. Look what you’ve done! I’m...madame, you have to exit my department right now.

  [He hands her her shoes.]

  DOT Ninety-five. No. Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight...

  FERGUS [He nervously cowers.] Oh. Okay. Well, try not to upset the display too much. I’ll see if I can complete my close out, then...

  [Suddenly the lights go dim. Everything’s going wrong.]

  Oh dear.

  [Noticing he has DOT’s shoes in hand, he puts them back down.]

  DOT One hundred twelve. Holy moly. I can’t see a gosh darn thing. One hundred twelve. I need a flashlight. What’s your name? What’s your name?

  FERGUS Fergus. Fergus.

  DOT Well, I need a flashlight, Fergus Fergus.

  FERGUS No, madame. Just one.

  DOT That’s right. Just one. I can’t look up or I’ll lose my place. One hundred twelve. Please, Fergus Fergus. Hurry.

  FERGUS [So he won’t forget, while running off.] Flashlight. Flashlight.

  DOT [Calling after him, but still remaining focused on comforter.] No, just one!

  [Beat.]

  One hundred twelve. One twelve. One twelve.

  [She remains on the bed, with her eyes focused down on the square inch, holding the magnifying glass still. She gets an itch but is afraid to itch it. She finds her balance and reaches back and gets it.]

  FERGUS [Over the loud speaker, he clears his throat.] Testing. Testing. Excuse me, madame? I have located the requested item and am now on my way back over to your present location.

  DOT [Shouting to him.] SUPER!

  FERGUS [Entering with flashlight.] We actually had a torch in the return closet.

  DOT Torch?! What the heck am I g
onna do with a torch?

  FERGUS A torch is...oh, never mind.

  [He hands her the flashlight.]

  DOT Flashlight.

  [She turns it on.]

  Return closet? Did someone return it?

  [She is back to counting.]

  One hundred thirteen, one hundred fourteen, one hundred fifteen...

  FERGUS Well, if they did, it was to the wrong department.

  DOT [Counting, 120.] People actually return these comforters once they buy them and bring them home?

  FERGUS Similar to any other purchase, I suppose.

  DOT [Counting, 125.] And then you have to give them back all that money?

  FERGUS I’ll have you know, our return policy at Macy’s is the best on Broadway.

  DOT [Counting, 130.] How could anyone return anything as heavenly as this?

  FERGUS [He gets up on the bed and shines the flashlight for her.] I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask my wife.

  DOT [Counting, 135.] She returned one of these?

  FERGUS Yes.

  DOT [Counting, 136.] Which one?

  FERGUS Me.

  [He sits on the bed alongside DOT.]

  DOT [She stops counting, but does not lose her place. Compassionately.] I set you up for that one, didn’t I?

  FERGUS Yes, madame. You...“opened the door,” should I say.

  DOT So is that where you live—the return closet?

  [DOT hands FERGUS the flashlight.]

  FERGUS [He gets onto the bed and holds the flashlight for her.] Oh no. I have a little place in Greenwich Village.

  DOT Must be expensive.

  FERGUS It wasn’t when I bought it. I walk to work.

  DOT Oh, super. I’ve always wanted to walk to work, but you can’t do that in the country. Things are too far spread apart.

  FERGUS I have always wanted things spread apart.

  [Making himself more clear.]

  I mean, living here in the city, one never gets to spend any time in the open air, you know—no time to truly breathe.

  DOT What was her problem?

  FERGUS Pardon?

  DOT Your wife. Her problem? Her reason for leaving?

  FERGUS [With vulnerability.] Oh. She claimed I lacked spontaneity.

  DOT Spontaneity? You gotta be kidding me.

  [She returns to her counting, 137, 138, 139.]

  FERGUS Yes. I mean, no.

  [Seeing that DOT has returned to her counting.]

  Listen, I’m willing to lend you this flashlight, but you’re going to have to take over the job of keeping it erect. My arms are growing quite numb, and I have to go now and complete my official closeout for the day.