The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011 Read online

  JEREMY Well, I don’t think that’s very fair. I mean, we’ve been really nice to you.

  WILL Exactly. And don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t bring a present.

  TERRI Yeah, and I went out of my way to talk to you at the orientation last month.

  MAGGIE That doesn’t mean you’re not assholes. And you’ll probably turn your kids in to assholes. I mean, maybe Mikey stands a chance. Anyone who’ll piss on the birthday kid’s cake gets a thumbs-up in my book.

  [Beat.]

  PAUL Oh—oh my God—you...you really think I’m an asshole—!

  WILL Don’t listen to this nut job.

  PAUL N-n-no, Maggie—I’m the one people like—people like me. I’m not an asshole. Other people—like—like them—they’re assholes, but not me!

  JEREMY No, now wait a minute. I—I’m no asshole! I’m—I’m a good guy! I mean, Mikey did his thing and whatever, but I’m being nice! I’m offering to pay you back—

  WILL How novel—being responsible for your spawn.

  JEREMY Well, we don’t have to!

  TERRI Exactly.

  MAGGIE And if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t pay—

  JEREMY Right.

  MAGGIE But then you’d be an asshole.

  JEREMY What?! No, I just—don’t want people to think—

  MAGGIE What people? Will? Will’s an asshole.

  WILL Paul, this is why I said not to invite her.

  PAUL I was trying to be nice!

  TERRI So you’re good without the check? Because I mean—seriously—four twenty-five—you were sorta asking for it.

  JEREMY Terri, stop that. Be nice.

  TERRI Fuck “nice.”

  MAGGIE That’s right—fuck “nice”!

  PAUL And what is so wrong with being nice? What is so wrong with a few nice people getting together, eating some damn cake, and pretending for just a few hours that they actually enjoy each other’s company? I don’t think it’s asking too much for people to put on a happy fucking face, haul out some manners and good breeding, and do it all in the name of a four-year-old having a happy goddamned birthday. Pretend, damnit! Nice people do it all the time. I’m nice—I do it! I pretend that I want you here, in my house, choking down my four-hundred-dollar cake and guzzling down the summer punch I made from mint leaves from my own garden. Because that’s what nice queers do! We invite the half-Jew, half-black family and the antisocial single mom to the party because they’re oughta be some goddamned solidarity even if you’re all raging jackasses and vicious bitches, which I can’t tell you, you are because I’m the nice one, and could a few other people please join me in being fucking nice?!

  [Awkward beat. JEREMY crosses to PAUL.]

  JEREMY Oh. So. You want nice?

  PAUL Um—well—I just meant—

  [PAUL is cut off by JEREMY smearing his face with piss cake.]

  JEREMY Fuck “nice.”

  [MAGGIE and TERRI cheer.]

  PAUL Oh my God!

  WILL What the fuck, man, I mean, what the—

  TERRI Do it, baby!

  WILL Oh, you think that’s cute?!

  [WILL tries to smear TERRI while MAGGIE moves to rescue her beer.]

  MAGGIE Watch the Bud Light!

  [MAGGIE gets caked.]

  Motherfucker!

  TERRI [To WILL.] Bring it!

  PAUL Stop—everybody, stop!

  WILL Oh no! Terri’s gonna be wearin’ this cake!

  JEREMY Your husband started this! Leave her alone!

  PAUL Let he who is blameless cast the first baked good, asshole!

  MAGGIE Oh God—I’m gonna throw up—

  TERRI Swear to God, Will, you hit me with that cake, you will put forth a hand and draw back a stump!

  PAUL Stop running in the house!

  JEREMY Now who isn’t nice?!

  [Pandemonium. The couples bicker. Then—]

  MAGGIE Hey, hey, hey! EVERYBODY, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

  [Stunned silence.]

  Listen! Do you hear that?!

  [MAGGIE goes to one of the windows.]

  JEREMY Do I hear what?

  MAGGIE [Pointing out the window.] Look! Look at ’em!

  [We hear the children brightly singing “Happy Birthday” to Logan again. As the kids keep singing.]

  Oh my God, look at ’em. They’re pattin’ Logan on the back, givin’ him hi-fives and stuff. Wow! Hugs and kisses—the whole nine yards. Like they’re actually having fun. Isn’t that just like kids? The second we leave ’em alone, they actually start acting like humans. Like seriously. My Brian was a real dumb ass the whole car ride over here. And he was like Mikey’s lead cheerleader with the cake. But look at him now. I think Brian just kissed Logan on the forehead. He only acts likes an ass when I’m around. I think it’s on purpose.

  WILL Wow. Mikey’s—like—leading the celebration out there.

  JEREMY I think—I think I’m actually moved.

  TERRI It’s good to see Logan not—y’know—crying and whining.

  PAUL They all look—really...nice...

  [Gentle beat as they take in the celebration. PAUL hands JEREMY a washcloth. WILL scoops some of the cake off TERRI.]

  TERRI Ahm, Will, I’m—I’m really sorry. It was a rough week at the firm and—

  WILL No, Terri. I should never treat a guest like that—really!

  PAUL Jeremy, listen, you’re right, you’re nice—and nice is not bad—

  JEREMY C’mon, Paul—no sweat—we’re totally cool!

  MAGGIE [Still at the window.] How come you guys didn’t mention you had a spare cake?

  WILL There’s no spare cake. There’s just the last part of the one Mikey peed on.

  MAGGIE Oh. ’Cuz Logan is serving it to everyone else.

  [Pause. The parents spring to action yelling at Logan to stop as they charge out of the kitchen.]

  [Blackout.]

  • • •

  Acknowledgments

  I would like to thank John Cerullo of Hal Leonard Publishing Group and June Clark, my agent, for supporting this project. Thanks, too, to Bernadette Malavarca and Carol Flannery for helping in-house with this book.

  Loads of folks helped round up the finest short plays around the country for this volume. I’d like to thank especially my colleagues in the American Theatre and Drama Society, who answered the call by sending names and plays from every corner of the country. Those who spread the word so nicely include John Patrick Bray, Steve Feffer, James Fisher, Iris Smith Fischer, Oyamo, Jorge Huerta, Susan Harris Smith, John Fleming, Chris Wheatley, Gary Harrison, Beth Lincks, Robin Bernstein, Lauren Friesen, Megan Jones, Cassandra Medley, Bethany Whitehead, Eric Eberwein, and Lisa Reinke. Special thanks to Stephanie Ward. And thanks to everyone who submitted their work for me to read and review, making this project such a joyful but also challenging undertaking.